Shut Up and Listen: How to Practice Effective Listening for Leaders

Why Counting to 10 Encourages Active Listening in Leadership

Effective listening skills are key for leaders, yet I’m often asked why it’s so hard for leaders to listen. According to McKinsey & Company, for leaders, the art and science of listening is a critical part of strategic decision making.

So, I often suggest that one of the keys to effective listening for leaders is to count to 10. Whenever you are asked a question — no matter how well you know the answer — wait before you reply. “Why?” You may ask. Give me 10 seconds and I’ll tell you.

The 10-Second Rule of Effective Listening

The reason for this suggestion is that some people are conditioned to interrupt others when in the middle of asking a question, which hinders active listening and stifles communication. Counting to 10 is simple. It is also not as extreme a measure as some analytical types make who count to 1,000. These people are very clearly working through a lot “upstairs.” The notion of counting to 10 accomplishes two things:

Promotes Perspective and Curbs Arrogance

It puts you in the listener’s train of thought, answering from the other person’s perspective rather than your own. Let’s say you’re in a mode of, “I’ve got the answer, I’ve got the answer, I’VE GOT THE ANSWER!” and you answer the question immediately.

Do that once, and someone may think, “Hmm. They really know their stuff.” Answer the question immediately four times in a row, however, and concentrate on what changes in the other person’s response or body language. They will likely get annoyed and think you’re one of the more arrogant people they’ve ever met.

When I am answering a question as a coach, rarely should my answer be anything other than a question in return. “Have you thought about this? What about that?” Effective listening for leaders means asking questions, which allows you to lead, grow, and coach. This isn’t accomplished by giving answers all the time.

Promotes Leading Rather than Managing

It moves you from being a manager to being a leader. If I’m managing you, I usually tell you, “Go off and do X, Y, and Z.” Let’s contrast that with saying, “We’ve got to accomplish this. What do you think is the right way to do it?” The latter? You guessed it. That’s a leader.

I was fascinated to learn that Former Chicago Bears Coach Matt Nagy, although he obviously selected the plays he wanted to run each week, invites a player to put them in place. This means the player not only needs to know his role, but also other players’ parts designed for each play.

Imagine the pressure at the point in the season when so much is on the line, and a wide receiver is designated to be responsible for talking with the entire offensive team. He is saying, “OK, this week, Coach has given me this set and now I need to help you guys think it through, but remember, I’m going to guide us.”

This also brings to mind the notion of the leadership matrix.  If we continue to think in the football mode, then pick how you might lead as the owner, general manager, the head coach…  Think about it.  

Each of these roles requires a different perspective on how to motivate and engage the team.  When you can identify how you would act in each and how you need to adapt based on what is happening around you, it puts you in a great position to move your whole team forward.  But you still need to listen. 

Your Question-to-Statement Ratio

As a coach or a leader, asking a question carries more weight than making a statement.

Thomas J. Wilson, the CEO of Allstate Insurance, once said, “As you go up in an organization, your question-to-statement ratio also needs to increase.”

You can tell people what to do or share a great idea about what to do. That’s fine. Asking a question is better. But, don’t ask a question in a way that feels empty or suggests you will still do things your way. You likely won’t get very far. Ask the question and enjoy the possibility that you are going to get perspectives on certain things you may not necessarily have thought about and that they may be different from your experience.

As an insightful leader, you need to have the humility to be able to ask questions or request feedback and then say, “That’s interesting. I never thought about that.” Unfortunately, some people who say that are not being sincere; they are simply saying it without really meaning it. True leaders will say, “Ah, that is interesting,” and mean it.

THINK Before You Speak

Active listening in leadership does not begin and end with the number 10. Leaders have to take the next step once they’ve quietly listened. The helpful acronym “THINK” can further improve effective listening for leaders.

THINK stands for:

• True
• Helpful
• Inspiring
• Necessary
• Kind

All five of these areas need not be covered every time you speak, but under each of these sets, there are various questions to consider.

Counting to 10 is important, as long as you are not doing it just for the sake of doing it. Part of your growth is to move from, “I’m going to count to 10, and then I’m going to give the answer I would have given had I not counted to 10,” to “So, he asked me a question, and now I’ve got to really think. Do I need to answer, or do I need to come back with a question?”

When someone says to me, “David, I want to do this. What do you think about that?” My response should be, “You know, that’s interesting. Have you thought about how it would work? Have you thought about a conversation a week or two ago about what your budget is?”

There Is More Than One Answer

Finally, it is common for a leader to believe they know the answer that will solve these problems instantly. The key word is “the.” You may get into trouble not only when you answer more and listen less, but also when you assume there can be only one answer all the time (that only you know).

As leaders, we often have the benefit of having subject matter experts around who can help us build informed decisions on a variety of topics. While it is not always possible, including their perspective in our thinking is usually beneficial. That said, we also need to understand that they represent only a piece of the puzzle rather than the whole answer.

Effective Listening for Leaders Includes Flexibility

You may know several answers and have definite opinions about them, but we can all grow by practicing active listening to each team member’s answer.  It’s important to remember that the answer we use today may be different than the answer that we use next week. 

But effective listening for leaders is some sort of a hybrid of both of our answers. And, when the answer has changed, we need to be able to acknowledge that the current answer is based on new input that has come to light since the last time we answered the question.

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[This is an updated version of an article originally published on July 14, 2020.]

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